Egyptian Torment

Zaus countenance

Research using The Dead Sea and Nag Hammedi Scrolls, as well as documents hidden within libraries across the globe,  evidence has come to light concerning the truth behind the fanatical cat worship of Ancient Egypt.  Common knowledge believes that the pyramids were constructed by the Pharaoh Kufu, some time 3,000 years ago.  However, this has been shown to be uncertain.  Some scholars claim they were built much earlier, others claim it has nothing to do with Kufu, and yet others believe they were built by aliens.  With regards to the documents mentioned previously, the truth behind both pyramids and cat worship can be nicely conjoined.

Approximately 8,000 years ago, Egypt was under the rule of a little known Pharaoh named Bubba Ho Tepp.  He was a dandified little man who thought rather too much of himself than is necessary in any human, including royalty.  One day, across the desert came a chariot of such beauty and exquisite craftsmanship that Bubba sent messengers to it’s occupant to join him in his palace for afternoon tea.  Duly the occupant arrived and Bubba was in awe of the ‘Gentleman’s’ appearance.  He wore robes of the finest quality, delicately interwoven with gold and jewels.  His hair was greatly styled and he had about him a certain presence that was both awe inspiring and terrifying.  He also wore a very nice pair of moleskin slippers lined with peacock feathers.  Bubba bowed a welcome and the stranger offered Bubba a gloved hand, bedecked with a great ruby ring.

“You may kiss it”  said the stranger.  Bubba faltered.

“Kiss it….,” said the stranger a second time, a gentle touch of menace in his tone.

Bubba did as requested and the atmosphere relaxed greatly.  Throughout the coming weeks, the stranger, who’s name appears to translate as Zaus, seemed to cast some sort of hypnotic trance upon Bubba.  He showed Bubba the plans he had made concerning a great building of the pyramidal kind, which he wished to use an observatory of sorts.  Bubba immediately drafted in the finest craftsmen and builders, and work started on what was to be the greatest of all pyramids.  Constantly at the site, Zaus was seen to commune with the builders and architects with some of the finer points of his designs.  As the years continued and Bubba became fat and greedy,  the appearance of Zaus never changed.  Bubba grew to loathe the sight of Zaus and quietly plotted to dispose of him.

The pyramid is complete

Finally, the pyramid was finished and proudly sitting on the podium in the most comfortable seat was Zaus.  Waving and smiling and quietly heard to be saying ‘Yes’, every so often.  That night, records show that Bubba had his bodyguards enter the rooms of Zaus and kidnap him.  He was taken at knife point to the holy men of the city, where the greatest humiliation was applied.  Zaus was ritually shaved in front of priests and military men alike, and slapped soundly for his insolence and bravado.  Just before the great pyramid was sealed, Zaus was thrown in along with a hundred slaves as an offering to the gods in appeasement for  the Egyptians almost total worship of the stranger.

The Pharaoh could not sleep that night nor the next several nights due to the terrible wailing and screaming coming through the walls of the pyramid.  Even with walls 20 foot thick in places, the noise of the tortured, dying and hunted penetrated his dreams.  Suddenly, the noises ceased, and an eerie silence descended upon the land.  For forty days, Bubba tried to rule a population that was growing increasingly uneasy.  Crops failed, livestock died and wells dried up.  The people turned to Bubba for help, but Bubba, being fat, lazy and greedy, was in no shape to do anything.  On the fortieth night, as Bubba held council,  a terrible storm broke out.  Lightning flashed and thunder shouted from the mountains.  The meteoric fury was building to a crescendo when the doors to the council chamber blew open.  There, all hair grown back and not a trace of his previous incarceration in evidence, standing regally in his moleskin slippers, was Zaus.

“Who the hell do you think you are, throwing me into my own pyramid!?!” roared Zaus.

There appears to be a break in documentation at this point, though there are lesser known and slightly dubious documents concerning Bubba, a fig tree and several watermelons.  It is also noteworthy that after this period of Egyptian history the worship of cats became very popular, and also the ruling that whenever a pet cat died, the household had to shave off their eyebrows as a sign of mourning.  Some say it is to appease Zaus in retrospect of his humiliation, and fear that he may return.

Classical scholars may ‘pooh pooh’ this line of thought, but enough documented evidence has been collected to ascertain truths that some may not wish to hear.

Posted in Chronicles

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