Van-Cleef

Riders on the storm

I have been asked by the curious and nosy alike, what does Morris have on his rider when performing with the Dazzlers?  A reasonably comprehensive list has been drawn up from previous tours, though this is subject to change on a whim and the heavens help the poor roadie who does not perform to the high Zaus standards.  One poor chap in Belgium several years ago was berated mercilessly for not being able to find a 17th century miniature harpsichord at an hours notice.

Here then, is that list.  Prepare to be bemused…

  • Every room to be decorated in the style of a 1950′s French  Jazz café (woe betide you get it wrong).
  • A flower decorated palanquin for Morris to be carried about on and four eunuchs (oiled and wearing loin cloths) to carry it.
  • The complete works of Catherine Cookson.
  • One sumo wrestler.
  • Three bottles each of rhubarb juice/prune juice/Bombay gin/milk of magnesia.

Continued…

  • A life size, cardboard replica of Mother Theresa.
  • An imperial bushel’s worth of scotch eggs from Fortnum and Masons.
  • Three whole Edam cheese’s.
  • Eight Indian bagpipers.
  • A pair of Queen Anne cabriole legs.
  • One packet of cream crackers.
  • One packet of water biscuits.
  • One jar of pickled walnuts.
  • One jar of green olives.
  • A signed photograph of Lee Van Cleef.
  • One packet of bourbon biscuits.
  • A coal heated samovar and fresh, unopened caddy of loose Oolong tea.
  • A map of the Australian outback. (Morris has never been to Australia, nor has any intentions to go, though he does have a great fear of being lost in the great antipodean wilderness. He has keenly studied the area and is now credited as one of the worlds leading experts).
  • A small statue of the Manneken Pis with assorted costumes.
  • A box of Teatime Assorted Biscuits.
  • A puffin egg. Lightly boiled, accompanied by white bread buttered soldiers with the crusts cut off.
  • One plate of assorted sandwiches from Greggs for the Dazzlers themselves.
  • A large tapestry cushion depicting the Battle of Trafalgar.
  • A set of bongos.
  • The nuns outfit worn by Peggy Wood in ‘The Sound of Music’. (Fortunately we have been able to purchase this and it is now part of the Zaus collection).
  • The complete First Class menu as served in the First Class dining salon on R.M.S. Titanic on 14th April 1912, includes roast squab and cress, vegetable marrow farci and Waldorf pudding.
  • Individual lime jellies and evaporated milk for the Dazzlers.
  • The complete back catalogue of Boney M.
  • A partridge in a pear tree.

As stated previously, this is only a reasonable estimation of what Morris would expect on his rider and is subject to change at any given stage during the tour.  The items listed above have been demanded more than once and have hence made it onto the list.  The Mother Teresa replica, Sumo wrestler and pickled walnuts are a permanent feature and the flavour of jelly for the Dazzlers desert can change and alternates between lime, tangerine and lemon.

On one occasion, custard creams were substituted for bourbons.  This caused great consternation with young Master Morris and the individuals involved were subjugated to a five hour lecture on why custard creams were not remotely similar to bourbons.

It is an interesting time when Morris and the Dazzlers tour and the staff are generally relieved when it’s all over.

 

Posted in The New Guard

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